Measuring Up: The Invisible Ways Women Learn to Shrink Their Worth

Wowee! Self worth is one doozy of a subject to tackle. It can send most of us heading for the hills in the spooky land of self-discovery. Most women don’t realize they’re negotiating their self worth every single day. Getting face to face with what you really believe about yourself — your worthiness, your enough-ness — can expose a kind of vulnerability most of us would rather avoid.

It usually doesn’t look like we’re struggling with self worth. It looks like we’re being “easygoing,” “reasonable,” “patient,” or “helpful.” These are all decoys for the message many of us learned early: My needs matter less than everyone else’s. And that belief shapes your entire life — relationships, creativity, decisions… all of it.

It could be time to do the hard work of honest self-inquiry to see whether we’re living in alignment with our truest values and moving through life from a sense of healthy self worth.

Up until about seven years ago, I would have told you I felt plenty worthy of anything I desired. The problem was, I wasn’t desiring very high-quality anything — work, relationships, lifestyle, even how I cared for myself. I really thought getting by with as little as possible was noble and evolved. Like most women of my generation, I was raised to stand back so others could reach their goals and shine brightly. That kind of programming is outdated, and it’s a guaranteed path to living small and contracted. I honestly believed sacrificing, going along, and not making a fuss was honorable — a short-term sacrifice that would eventually be rewarded.

Well… I got that wrong!

I gladly did all the backstage work so my three kids could follow their dreams. I had my own little business, but everyone else’s needs always came first. And to be clear, the self-sacrificing was on me. I played small in my own life because it was more comfortable. Did you catch that? I chose to play small. It felt safer to be the mom supporting these amazing kids than to face my own fears. Ironically, I was great at raising other humans with a strong sense of self worth because I knew exactly what I had needed as a child.

I never believed I was worthy of “putting my own mask on first,” as they say. My mom was my model for a loving mother, but she played small too — and carried a bit of resentment, I later realized — despite being such a funny, clever, creative woman. I adored her as the youngest child. It wasn’t until much later that I began to see her gaps and how they had shaped me.

Those moments of insight woke me up. I started the real work of learning what self worth actually is and how that deeply rooted habit of self-doubt had quietly shaped everything in my life. Most women were conditioned — subtly or not — to earn value by being agreeable, competent, self-sacrificing, low-maintenance, and accommodating. That was absolutely my M.O.-be good, don’t cause trouble, don’t ask for anything… and maybe you’ll be valued. Oh, and definitely stay out of the way.

This is why so many midlife challenges — burnout, relationship imbalance, creative paralysis, resentment, people-pleasing — aren’t just emotional issues.

They’re self worth issues wearing disguises.

The good news? We can wake up, become aware, and claim our very real, very deserved worthiness. It’s ours simply because we’re here. We deserve what we need in order to become the best version of ourselves. It’s not about material things — it’s about the sense of wholeness we begin to feel when we start changing those old, well worn patterns.

Not everyone struggles with distorted worth, but many of us do — and it’s not always rooted in childhood. Self worth can get chipped away slowly, or knocked down by the blows life hands out. Those gut punches can drop us flat, bring us to our knees, or just knock the wind out of us. We don’t all take the hits the same.

So how does self worth shape our response? It doesn’t make life easier. It just keeps us from interpreting the hit as something we deserved or have to carry forever. With a strong sense of self worth, the impact stays an experience — not an identity. We are able to let it go and move on. This sounds a lot like resilience, another life skill in hot demand. If you’re like me, you’ve committed to making this next phase of life one of your best, if not THE best! The prospect of creating the custom life I want to be living is exhilarating.