Give Fear the Old Heave-Ho

When was the last time you found yourself doing the very thing you were petrified to do? The first time I was aware of this kind of discomfort was in grade school on book report day.  The teacher asked if there were any volunteers. I shot my hand up in the air before I realized what I’d done. I had to do it so that  I didn’t have to endure the agony of waiting in my seat. That split second decision of no-turning-back-commitment is the absolute worst for me, yet I continue to practice it. Once I was out of school, I mistakenly believed I never had to be called on again. I was free. I never had to put myself out there if I didn’t want to.  I felt so relieved I could just live my life and not ever roll the dice.  Phew! What a relief.

As you can imagine, that was ridiculous.  There were so many things I wanted to do, but would never be able to do them if I let fear stop me.  I wanted to speak up in public, be on TV, be on podcasts, teach classes, do presentations, and recently-speak in rooms on Clubhouse.  I begrudgingly realized I had to tote that fear along with me.  I’m still scared to raise my hand and speak up. But, I do it anyway. If I waited around for the fear to go away, I’d be doing nothing for the rest of my life.

I had the sweetest little aunt we called Tudie. Her name was Susan, but early on,  her little sisters dubbed her Tudie.

She had an alcoholic, verbally abusive husband and four kids. Through the years, before she divorced him, she had lost any sense of herself and any shred of confidence she ever had. She was afraid to divorce him, afraid to get a full time job, afraid to become the single parent, afraid of everything. Yet, she did it all. Many years later,  I overheard her talking to my mom, her very best friend. She  said she had a talk with herself.  She told herself, ‘OK fear, if you’re not going away, you’ll have to come along with me.’   She went on to make a plan to retire and move to California to be with her daughter and her family.  She had figured out that her fear may never go away, but that she wanted a  new life out in California more than she was willing to let fear of the unknown hold her back.

What a lesson on the powerlessness of fear! She demonstrated  how a fatigued, discouraged woman without ample monetary resources could call upon her own determination and a tiny speck of courage to begin to rise up and take control of her life after decades of abuse. She overcame her past. It didn’t go away, but she desired  the new life she dreamed of more than she was willing to let her old story hold her back. I never got to tell her how much I admired her for that courage she demonstrated in late midlife, a rough transition time for many women.  It took years for her to muster the courage to divorce, then to plan and execute a cross country move from the only city she had ever known,  all the way  to Los Angeles. Talk about brave!

Cheers to all the women who were afraid and did it anyway. You gotta love their grit.

Whenever I feel those uncomfortable ‘afraid’ feelings in my stomach, because that’s where they show up for me, I have to stop and remember that I can move forward anyway. They’re not going to kill me.  Waiting around for them to go away is a waste of my  time. We only get one walk through this very precious adventure. Unfounded fear is just an annoying hitchhiker, but not dangerous.